


Very Professional Hero People (An Overwatch Chatfic)

by Treemo



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, I could use some healing, I require medical attention, M/M, Someone call a doctor, chatfic, i need healing, send help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-20 04:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14887365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Treemo/pseuds/Treemo
Summary: It’s Overwatch’s 30th anniversary! What better way to celebrate than to open an “emergency communications channel,” am I right?No.This was a terrible idea.





	1. A Rough Start

November 1st, 2076  
8:00 P.M.

**[WINSTON] reopened [Overwatch Emergency Channel]**

**[WINSTON] added [SATYA VASWANI], [JAMISON FAWKES], [HANA SONG] and 8 others.**

WINSTON: It’s Overwatch’s 30th anniversary! In light of this, I have decided to reopen our emergency communications channel.

WINSTON: I know we had some issues in the past, but I’m willing to give this another shot.

**[TRACER] re-entered [Overwatch Emergency Channel]**

TRACER: “emergency channel” oh come on luv its called a chatroom

TRACER: it’s not like we’re an elite crime fighting posse anymore, no need to be spangly

WINSTON: This is most certainly NOT a chatroom.

TRACER: oh it’s a chatroom

**[TRACER] changed the chat name to [Overwatch Emergency Channel]**

TRACER: that’s slightly better tho ill have to make some adjustments later

**[WINSTON] removed administrator status from [TRACER]**

WINSTON: Please stop.

TRACER: your a right ole billy no-mates aint cha

TRACER: just having some fun

**[MEI] re-entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]**

MEI: Oh! The Overwatch Emergency Channel is back!

MEI: This was very useful to me when all my friends were slowly dying over the course of 9 years!

MEI: Thanks for closing the chat on me Winston!

WINSTON: Oh no.

WINSTON: I thought you forgave me.

MEI: Forgiven or not, my friends are still dead!

MEI: :)

WINSTON: Dear god.

**[HANA SONG] entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]**

HANA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

HANA: start running donkey kong

TRACER: speaking from experience here

TRACER: mei ALWAYS finds you

**[HANA SONG] changed their name to [D.VA]**

D.VA: rip

D.VA: i will pray for you winston

MEI: :)

WINSTON: Two minutes in and I already regret this chat.

TRACER: it took two minutes?

D.VA: slacker

D.VA: hey _@Lucio_

D.VA: check it out

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [Overwatch Official Chatroom]**

LÚCIO: hello hello hello

D.VA: sup lucio!

WINSTON: This is for emergencies!

D.VA: no it’s not

WINSTON: …

D.VA: ………

TRACER: ………….

WINSTON: Why do I bother?

D.VA: exactly!

**[D.VA] changed the chat name to [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]**

TRACER: perfect

LÚCIO: i mean yeah

**[WINSTON] left the chat.**

LÚCIO: there he goes

D.VA: wait lemme test something

D.VA: _@Torbjörn_

**[TORBJÖRN] re-entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]**

TORBJÖRN:

TORBJÖRN:

TORBJÖRN:

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] was removed from the chat by [TORBJÖRN]**

**[TORBJÖRN] left the chat.**

D.VA: knew it ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

LÚCIO: he kicked his daughter out too hahah

D.VA: he has a daughter

D.VA: wait i don’t want to know

**[MERCY] re-entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]**

**[FAREEHA AMARI] entered [D.VA’S GAY SQUAD BUDDIES]**

MERCY: How did you already destroy this chat, Lena?

TRACER: it was mostly hana luv

MERCY: Lena…

TRACER: it was 100% hana luv

D.VA: mei helped actually

MEI: :)

MERCY: Please never use a smiley face again.

D.VA: she’s embracing her role as satan

TRACER: btw why did you two join at the same time

FAREEHA: just a happy coincidence

**[FAREEHA AMARI] changed their name to [PHARAH]**

TRACER: uh huh

TRACER: wowza, what a ‘happy’ coincidence

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: i meant to say

PHARAH: it was not intentional

TRACER: i believe you

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: /msg Lúcio >> JOIN IN <<

LÚCIO: /reply >> do i have to? <<

D.VA: >> YES <<

LÚCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MERCY: Lena, stop trying to ship us.

TRACER: angela, unlock your door

MERCY: …

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

TRACER: gotcha

**[MERCY] went idle.**

**[PHARAH] went idle.**  

* * *

>> dios mío reaper <<

>> **WHAT IS IT THIS TIME.** <<

>> cálmese I swear this is good <<

>> **MAKE IT QUICK** <<

>> okay okay so overwatch <<

>> has an “emergency” group chat <<

>> **AND?** <<

>> you have to see it <<

>> oro de comedia <<

>> mira aquí señor edgelord <<

>> **…** <<

* * *

November 2nd, 2076  
9:30 A.M.

**[TRACER] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

TRACER: good mooooorning

TRACER: _@WINSTON @FAREEHA @ANGELA @MCCREE @SATYA @D.VA @JUNKRAT @ROADHOG @GENJI @HANZO @MEI @BASTION @ZENYATTA @REINHARDT @ZARYA @ORISA @LÚCIO_

TRACER: i have no idea why tf jack and ana are still in here considering they’re dead

TRACER: but i think i got everyone else

BASTION: (^_^)/  beep boop bweep boop

ZENYATTA: My friend says hello, as do I.

ORISA: Conversation protocol 2 initiated- Greetings, Lena Oxton. How are you?

TRACER: well the chatbots are here

ORISA: I am sorry, that did not compute.  Try again?

TRACER: srsly guys

ORISA: Cold shoulder detected. Feeling: sad :(

TRACER: AHEM.

TRACER: good mooooooooooorning

**[WINSTON] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

**[LUCIO] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

WINSTON: Good morning, Lena.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

HANZO: Uh

HANZO: So I just read up a bit.

HANZO: I hate to be blunt but

HANZO: Tf is this.

TRACER: it’s the overwatch chatroom grumpus!

WINSTON: This was the Overwatch Emergency Channel.

WINSTON: I’m very sorry.

HANZO: Wow.

WINSTON: Yeah.

**[MCCREE] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

MCCREE: howdy pardners

TRACER: what

MCCREE: i said howdy

TRACER:

TRACER: somehow i had convinced myself

TRACER: there was absolutely no way you still talked like that

TRACER:

TRACER: i need more coffee

[TRACER] went idle.

**[D.VA] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

D.VA: nice going loserboy

D.VA: your cringe was so bad

D.VA: lena actually developed chronic depression

D.VA: go sit in the corner and think about what you did

MCCREE: ow

MCCREE: y’all are pretty feisty for a twelve year old.

D.VA: ok

D.VA: first of all…

D.VA: wait

D.VA: you crying?

D.VA: i hear sobs and im in my room

HANZO: HANA SONG

HANZO: MAKE JESSE CRY AGAIN

HANZO: AND I WILL PERSONALLY

HANZO: STOP BUYING YOU

HANZO: ANIME

LÚCIO: hana

LÚCIO: is this true

LÚCIO: do you watch anime

D.VA: i can explain

LÚCIO: without me?

D.VA: ...

LUCIO: ......

D.VA: come over tonight

D.VA: we’ll watch evangelion and make fun of mccrees cowboy cosplay

LÚCIO: scheduled

D.VA: anyway...

HANZO: Apologize Song.

D.VA: why do you care so much

HANZO: I am a good person.

**[GENJI] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

GENJI: hah!

GENJI: nice one brother!

HANZO: Sigh.

D.VA: oooh

D.VA: im calling this ship HaREE

D.VA: cause it’s also the sound hanzo makes when he gets mad

GENJI: nah it’s McHanzo for sure

D.VA: REE

D.VA: so handsoap

D.VA: you gonna give jesse a kiss on the forehead

D.VA: tell him ‘it’ll be ok bby’

HANZO: Apologize.

D.VA: yeah yeah

D.VA: sorry loserboy

* * *

9:50 A.M.

GENJI: I tenderly grabbed his hand, and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Jesse,” I said. “I need to unleash my dragon.” The cowboy returned my gaze, dark eyes filled with a loving mirth and with a wry smirk gracing his lush lips. “Let’s not waste time.” Together, they parted the crowd and headed upstairs.

D.VA:

D.VA: what

D.VA: what did i just read

D.VA: i feel kinda violated

GENJI: i found that on his computer

GENJI: that was a small excerpt

HANZO: wtf

HANZO: I’m changing my password.

MCCREE: did you really write that about us?

HANZO: It’s not what it looks like.

MCCREE: i love you babe

HANZO:

HANZO: I love you too.

D.VA: gag

GENJI: much so

* * *

11:30 A.M.

**[MERCY] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

**[PHARAH] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

MERCY: Why did Lena just bolt in and swipe my coffee?

D.VA: scroll up

MERCY: Oh.

MERCY: I didn’t need to know all of that, to be honest.

**[TRACER] is no longer idle.**

TRACER: i am restored

TRACER: damn what did I miss

TRACER: _@Hanzo @Mccree_ ;)

HANZO: What.

MCCREE: what

TRACER: ;)))))))))))

WINSTON: Lena…

TRACER: so how is he jesse

WINSTON: There are kids here.

D.VA: i am not a child

* * *

>> **DO IT.** <<

>> fine fine <<

* * *

**[?] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

**[??] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

**[???] entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

??: **I never thought I’d see the day**

??: **Jesse scoring**

??: **wtf**

D.VA: ikr

TRACER: who dis

TRACER: think you gotta da wrong number sir

WINSTON: This is supposed to be a secure channel.

?: Everything can be hacked

???: and everyone.

???: Was that correct, chérie?

?: excelente 

WINSTON: Oh.

WINSTON: This is Talon.

MCCREE: DAD?

??: **I am not your father.**

MERCY: Amélie?

???: Non? Que est-ce?

MERCY: …

??: **Amélie is dead, Angela.**

??: **You’ll be with her soon.**

GENJI: THAT IS SO EDGY

GENJI: WTF

?: you’re a cyborg ninja with a katana in 2076

?: don’t talk

???: She is right you know.

TRACER: are you the hot french one

WINSTON: She killed Mondatta.

WINSTON: Gérard as well.

WINSTON: She almost killed you.

TRACER: well yeah

TRACER: but she’s still hot

TRACER: i mean damn

???: Oui. I shall slide into your DMs, mon coeur.

??: **We didn’t come here to play Tinder, Widowmaker.**

WINSTON: Why are you here again?

?: to troll duh

PHARAH: can you guys atleast get real names

PHARAH: we know who you are

**[?] changed their name to [SOMBRA]**

**[??] changed their name to [REAPER]**

**[???] changed their name to [WIDOWMAKER]**

WIDOWMAKER: Ah, Fareeha.

WIDOWMAKER: I killed your mother.

PHARAH: what

PHARAH: …

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: I need a second

MERCY: Come to my office, Fareeha.

**[PHARAH] went idle.**

TRACER: that was like really forward

MERCY: LENA

MERCY: IM TRYING TO COMFORT A FRIEND

MERCY: ABOUT HER MOTHER’S DEATH

TRACER: ;)

TRACER: let me come in and provide extra emotional support then

**[MERCY] went idle.**

**[D.VA] left the chat.**

* * *

12:00 P.M.

**[MERCY] is no longer idle**

**[PHARAH] is no longer idle**

WIDOWMAKER: Oh merde, but what is this?

PHARAH: is there a mute function?

PHARAH: found it

WIDOWMAKER: _@Ana_

WIDOWMAKER: Dear Fareeha, it would appear your dead mother is in this chat?

WIDOWMAKER: Anything you’d like to say to her? Or I could just send you to meet her.

WINSTON: About that…

**[ANA] re-entered [LENA STOLE MY F***ING COFFEE]**

PHARAH: MOM?

ANA: What the fuck did you just fucking say about my daughter, you little bitch?

ANA: I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Egyptian Security Forces, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Talon, and I have over 300 confirmed sleeps.

ANA: I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire Overwatch elite unit. You are nothing to me but just another target.

ANA: I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

ANA: You think you can get away with saying that shit to my daughter over this chat room?

ANA: Think again, fucker.

ANA: As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot.

ANA: The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid.

ANA: I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands.

ANA: Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Lindholm family and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your unreasonably large ass off the face of the planet, you little shit.

ANA: If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit biotic grenades all over you and you will drown in them. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

WIDOWMAKER: . . .

WIDOWMAKER: Alright.

WIDOWMAKER: That is enough for today.

**[WIDOWMAKER] left the chat.**

PHARAH: I LOVE YOU MOM

PHARAH: WHAT THE FUCK THOUGH

PHARAH: I MEAN SERIOUSLY

PHARAH: I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL

PHARAH: I SAW YOUR PYRE

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

ANA: awww

ANA: internet hug dear?

ANA: ill be back on base in a week or so

PHARAH: internet hug

ANA: oh and angela hun

TRACER: uh oh

MERCY: Yes Ms. Amari?

ANA: use protection

TRACER: ;))))))))

TRACER: Ana you and D.VA are my favs

TRACER: you are the hippest grandma

ANA: thank you lena

REAPER: **So uh…**

ANA: fuck you reyes

ANA: i always knew you were a piece of shit

ANA: and that you would dump jack

TRACER: DAMN

TRACER: IS EVERYONE HERE GAY

TRACER: EXCEPT ANA I GUESS

ANA: oh no

ANA: im bi

TRACER: shiiiit everyone’s technically gay

**[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [GAYWATCH]**

WINSTON: I’m a monkey.

TRACER: fuck

**[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [GAYWATCH + a monkey]**

TRACER: doesn’t really roll off the tongue

TRACER: as usual winston fucks everything up

WINSTON: Ouch.

* * *

1:00 P.M.

TRACER: so I forgot in light of the very important circumstances

TRACER: _@Jack_ stop lurking

TRACER: everyone knows you’re alive

**[JACK MORRISON] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]**

JACK: Ana just had to blow everything so she could use her copypasta huh?

**[JACK MORRISON] changed their name to [SOLDIER 76]**

ANA: …

ANA: jack my son

ANA: sit the fuck down

ANA: i am not the one who “blew everything”

ANA: i am not the one who got into a fight with their boyfriend and caused the collapse of overwatch

ANA: you just love pinning the blame on other people

ANA: and you still want winston to give you back your strike commander title.

ANA: take your title when you take responsibility

REAPER: **She has a point.**

SOLDIER 76: Reyes?

REAPER: **Yes?**

SOLDIER 76: Why are you in the Overwatch chat?

REAPER: **Why not.**

SOLDIER 76: I can think of several reasons, actually.

REAPER: **Then it’s a good thing no one asked you.**

**[D.VA] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]**

D.VA: oooh I like the new chat name

D.VA: also hi dad. you finally came out.

SOLDIER 76: ???

SOMBRA: hey gabe

SOMBRA: can i call you dad?

REAPER: **Absolutely not.**

SOMBRA: alright dad

SOMBRA: _@Widowmaker_

**[WIDOWMAKER] re-entered [GAYWATCH + a monkey]**

WIDOWMAKER: Oui, chérie?

SOMBRA: can i call you mom?

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: You will not take non for an answer?

SOMBRA: wasn’t planning on it no

WIDOWMAKER: … I will allow it.

SOMBRA: yay thanks mom

SOMBRA: that means you’re married now

REAPER: **Oh. My. God.**

WIDOWMAKER: I’m getting a divorce. Apologies, mon amour.

SOMBRA: we’re so dysfunctional

D.VA: you can say that again

SOMBRA: we’re so dysfunctional

SOMBRA:

SOMBRA: I need counseling

* * *

1:30 P.M.

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] re-entered [DEPRESSIONWATCH]**

REINHARDT: WGAT US GOID NY FAM

D.VA: what

MERCY: you need to take off the gauntlets when you type rein

REINHARDT: NO DUH

REINHARDT: SQUIRE! SHINE MY ARMOR!

MERCY: Baguette isn’t in the chat anymore.

WIDOWMAKER: Baguette?

WIDOWMAKER: Where?

MERCY: autocorrect

MERCY: Brigitte*

REINHARDT: AH YES. MY FAITHFUL SQUIRE BAGUETTE!

REINHARDT: OF COURSE!

D.VA: reinhardt

REINHARDT: YES LITTLE BUNNY GIRL?

D.VA: first of all turn off caps lock please

REINHARDT: NO.

D.VA: and is it true torbjorn has a wife

REINHARDT: HE DOES!

D.VA: and children

REINHARDT: INDEED!

D.VA: why am I still single

D.VA: even torb found someone

REINHARDT: PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR PERSONALITY IS SHIT AND YOU’RE ALWAYS PUTTING OTHERS DOWN

ANA: I taught you well

ANA: keep this up and the kids will love you

PHARAH: pretty sure no

REINHARDT: IT IS TRUE

REINHARDT: ONE DAY I YELLED AT A CHILD

REINHARDT: “YOU ARE SHIT AND YOUR MOTHER HATES YOU!”

REINHARDT: SHE RAN AWAY SCREAMING WITH JOY

REINHARDT: I WAS ELATED

MERCY: Someone get baguette back in this chat.

MERCY: BRIGITTE****

WIDOWMAKER: Do not tease me so, chérie.

**[WINSTON] added [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] to the chat.**

MERCY: _@Brigitte_

**[BRIGITTE] entered [DEPRESSIONWATCH]**

BRIGITTE: hej!

BRIGITTE: is reinhardt being stupid again?

REINHARDT: YOU WOUND ME BAGUETTE

D.VA: wait

D.VA: so this is torbs kid

BRIGITTE: yes?

D.VA: can I ask you an important question

BRIGITTE: shoot

D.VA: how tall are you?

BRIGITTE: 6’3

D.VA:

D.VA: uhm

D.VA: what

BRIGITTE: I’m 6’3

D.VA: you’re joking

BRIGITTE: nope

BRIGITTE: I get asked that a lot

D.VA: how is that even genetically possible

TRACER: it’s overwatch luv

D.VA: good point

D.VA: OH GOD I’M GONNA BE FOREVER ALONE

D.VA: EVEN TORBINA IS TALLER THAN ME

REINHARDT: GOOD WORK TORBINA

REINHARDT: YOU MADE HER QUESTIONS HER LIFE CHOICES

ANA: that takes years of training you should be very proud

BRIGITTE: ...

BRIGITTE: /msg D.VA >> hey I’m sorry for being tall <<

D.VA: /reply >> apology accepted <<

D.VA: >> just don’t do it again <<

BRIGITTE: >> hahah <<

D.VA: >> im serious <<

REINHARDT: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER

REINHARDT: TORBY IS ACTUALLY ONLY TEN INCHES SHORTER THAN YOU

**[D.VA] left the chat.**

BRIGITTE: nice going big guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. This is my first contribution to this site. I hope you like it so far. I’m trying to include every character, but if you would like to see someone more often, leave me a comment. I’ll also take requests for interactions and ships. I’m still deciding on a lot of pairings.
> 
> Thank you.


	2. Bad Parenting, Blackmail, and Being Vertically Challenged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Angela, dear.”
> 
> “Yes, Fareeha?”
> 
> “Someone just tagged you in the chat.”
> 
> “So?
> 
> “. . .”
> 
> “I’m never going back.”
> 
> “Apparently Brigitte is dying.”
> 
> “What the fuck.”

2:00 P.M.  
Day two continued

**[ANA] is no longer idle.**

ANA: hey so rein

ANA: do you forgive me for you know

ANA: faking my death

REINHARDT: AND?

ANA: fine

ANA: and lying to you

ANA: + i guess forcing you speak at my funeral

PHARAH: and?

ANA: uhm

ANA: no i think that’s it

PHARAH:

PHARAH: it’s definitely not

PHARAH: think about it for a sec

ANA:

ANA: im drawing a blank on this one

MERCY: …

ANA: let’s see

ANA: oh i missed your sweet sixteen didnt i

ANA: sorry dear

REINHARDT:

MERCY:

PHARAH:

PHARAH: MOM

MERCY: You inflicted her with crippling depression and emotional turmoil.

MERCY: You were absent when she needed you most.

MERCY: Yet she still loved and honored your memory.

MERCY: But it turns out you simply didn’t care enough to visit her even once.

MERCY: Though you were in absolutely no danger at all.

REINHARDT: YOU’RE KIND OF A PIECE OF SHIT ANA!

ANA: i mean yeah

PHARAH: oh

Mercy: mein

REINHARDT: GOTT

ANA: uhm

ANA: im sorry?

MERCY: Remove the question mark.

ANA: im sorry dears

MERCY: /msg Pharah >> Don’t say you forgive her. <<

PHARAH: /reply >> wasn’t planning on it <<

PHARAH: >> let’s ghost her <<

**[MERCY] left the chat.**

**[PHARAH] left the chat.**

ANA: wow guys

ANA: …

ANA: i said im sorry

WIDOWMAKER: Ah oui.

WIDOWMAKER: You know what I said to Gérard after I killed him?

WIDOWMAKER: “Apologies, mon amour.”

WIDOWMAKER: Of course, I didn’t mean it at all.

WIDOWMAKER: Does that really make what I did acceptable, Amari?

ANA: well, you’re blue so

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: Excusez-moi?

ANA: the same rules don’t apply to smurf people

ANA: obviously

WIDOWMAKER: I am purple.

ANA: blue

* * *

D.VA: /msg Lúcio >> oh no <<

D.VA: >> help me <<

LÚCIO: /reply >> whats up? you ok? <<

D.VA: >> you know the brigitte girl <<

D.VA: >> the one who just arrived on base today <<

LÚCIO: >> yeah? <<

D.VA: >> she’s hot <<

D.VA: >> HELP <<

LÚCIO: >> hahah <<

LÚCIO: >> come back to chat for a bit <<

LÚCIO: >> rein is hosting a quality discussion <<

* * *

3:00 P.M.

**[D.VA] entered [D.VAxTORBJÖRN]**

REINHARDT: WELCOME BACK!

D.VA: HEY WAIT

D.VA: WHO DID THAT

D.VA: NO

REINHARDT: THE SHIP NAME IS CALLED LIL’ TIKE!

BRIGITTE: im so sorry

BRIGITTE: i swear i tried to stop him

REINHARDT: SHE PROTEC

REINHARDT: SHE ATTAC

REINHARDT: BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

REINHARDT: SHE GAVE ME A SMAC

ANA: i like it

ANA: she doesn’t even have to lean down that much

ANA: to whisper in his ear

BRIGITTE: NO

D.VA: NO

BRIGITTE: hah beat you

D.VA: i let you win

ANA: hey kids

ANA: want to read my fanfiction i wrote about it?

BRIGITTE: gonna have to pass

D.VA: im okay thanks

REINHARDT: YES!

D.VA: /msg Winston >> HELP <<

D.VA: >> ILL BE A GOOD GIRL <<

**[WINSTON] muted [ANA] for 30 minutes.**

D.VA: >> i love you <<

REINHARDT: NO FUN!

* * *

3:29 P.M.

REINHARDT: YOU KNOW

REINHARDT: AT FIRST I WAS OKAY WITH IT

REINHARDT: SABATON IS ALRIGHT

REINHARDT: I LIKE THE WINGED HUSSARS

D.VA: zzzzz

D.VA: you said this was quality discussion _@Lúcio_

LÚCIO: it is

LÚCIO: torb has whacked music tastes

REINHARDT: THEN HE PUT ON JAKE PAUL AND I RIPPED IT RIGHT OUT OF HIS TINY HANDS

LÚCIO: wait

LÚCIO: who is jake paul

D.VA: zzzzzzzz

D.VA: zzzzz

D.VA: zzzzzzzz

REINHARDT: RUDE!

**[REINHARDT] began streaming hasselhoff.mp4**

D.VA: stop i was legit sleeping on the keyboard soz uncle rein

BRIGITTE: not this again

LÚCIO: my ears

REINHARDT: YOU KIDS SHOULD APPRECIATE TRUE CLASSICS!

**[ANA] is no longer muted.**

**[ANA] turned on text-to-speech**

D.VA: uh

D.VA: what’re you doing ana

[♩] ANA: D.VA wiped the sweat from her brow. Today had been a long day at training. She was so exhausted in fact, that she almost walked into the tiny Lindholm engineer.

LÚCIO: crap my volume was up, i just blasted that

LÚCIO: ana’s voice somehow makes this 100x worse

[♩] ANA: “Hana!” He exclaimed, a crooked smile gracing his features. “I was wondering if I could take a peek under the hood of your mech!”

BRIGITTE: papa no

**[BRIGITTE] went idle.**

REINHARDT: HAH! BAGUETTE JUST STARTED CHOKING!

REINHARDT: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD TURN THAT SHADE OF BLUE!

D.VA: F

D.VA: U

D.VA: C

D.VA: K

[♩] ANA: D.VA lowered herself down to his eye level, and, in her most sultry voice, breathed. “Of course.”

**[WINSTON] muted [ANA] for 60 minutes.**

D.VA: I LOVE YOU DONKEY KONG

WINSTON: Do that again and it’s a 24-hour mute.

TRACER: dammmmn ana

TRACER: write some for me and widow

WIDOWMAKER: Widow and I*

TRACER: >:L

WIDOWMAKER: And please do not.

WIDOWMAKER: I will call off our date.

WINSTON: Tell me you’re not actually meeting up.

TRACER: i could, but that would be a lie

WINSTON: I will not bail you out if it’s a trap.

WIDOWMAKER: Merde, Winston.

WIDOWMAKER: Are the French not famed for their honor?

TRACER: luv

TRACER: sorry no

TRACER: gotta call you out on that one

TRACER: you guys are the least honorable people on earth

WIDOWMAKER: Non!

* * *

3:40 P.M.

D.VA: rein

D.VA: is brig okay

D.VA: she hasn’t come back

REINHARDT: COME BACK FROM WHAT?

D.VA: you know

REINHARDT: BE SPECIFIC!

D.VA: the

D.VA: choking

REINHARDT: OH

D.VA: did you call a doctor

REINHARDT: WELL

D.VA: ...

REINHARDT: NO.

D.VA: ……..

REINHARDT: I’M SURE SHE’S FINE!

REINHARDT: BAGUETTE WAS ONCE MAULED BY A RABID CAT!

D.VA: _@Mercy_

**[MERCY] entered [HELL]**

**[PHARAH] entered [HELL]**

MERCY: What now.

MERCY: I’m not paid enough for this.

SOLDIER 76: None of us get paid.

MERCY: Exactly.

D.VA: brig’s been choking for the past ten minutes and is maybe dead

D.VA: check the workshop

MERCY: . . .

PHARAH: keep it in dear

PHARAH: bottle up the anger

MERCY: I’ll be right over, Hana.

* * *

5:00 P.M.

**[ZARYA] entered [HELL]**

ZARYA: Privet

ZARYA: _@Mei_

**[MEI] entered [HELL]**

MEI: Zarya!

ZARYA: Mei!

SOMBRA: Tracer!

TRACER: Sombra!

MEI: Lena…

MEI: You remember what happened last time you interrupted me? :)

TRACER: uh oh

TRACER: let’s talk about this

TRACER: wouldn’t want to do anything rash

MEI: Oh, we’re going to talk :)

ZARYA: Wait one second, my snowball.

TRACER: phew

ZARYA: Sombra?

SOMBRA: oh hai

ZARYA: I know you.

SOMBRA: uhm

SOMBRA: you must have met my brother

SOMBRA: sombro

SOMBRA: we look really similar

ZARYA: You were at Volskaya Industries

ZARYA: I have been scouring world for you

ZARYA: To bring you justice

SOMBRA: yeah you kinda suck at that

ZARYA: …

ZARYA: _@Winston_

WINSTON: Yep?

ZARYA: Why is member of puny Talon here?

WINSTON: errr

SOMBRA: there is absolutely nothing he can do to stop me

SOMBRA: i actually made myself the owner of this chat

D.VA: heyyyyy

D.VA: that’s pretty good

ZARYA: I know your real name you know

SOMBRA: qué?

ZARYA: Your real name is

**[ZARYA] was removed from the chat by [SOMBRA]**

SOMBRA: can’t have that

**[ZARYA] was added to the chat by [MEI]**

ZARYA: ****** *******

ZARYA: сука блять

ZARYA: * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SOMBRA: i just banned all 9,746 possible variations of my name

SOMBRA: good luck mi amiga

REAPER: **Damnit, I wanted to know.**

ZARYA: *** *** *** *** **

ZARYA: How.

SOMBRA: i could just mute you forever y’know

ZARYA: I am going to catch you some day.

ZARYA: Then I will set Mei on you

MEI: :)

SOMBRA: help me daddy

SOMBRA: daddy i need you

REAPER: **Do not repeat that.**

SOMBRA: but daddy

SOMBRA: thats what jack said to you

SOLDIER 76: …

SOLDIER 76: Reyes.

SOLDIER 76: How does she know that?

REAPER: **You tell me.**

REAPER: **I deleted everything.**

SOMBRA: i have the chat logs right here

SOMBRA: september 12th, 2051

SOMBRA: want me to post a picture for you daddy?

SOMBRA: jack said that as well

REAPER: **What the hell.**

* * *

**[SOMBRA] created [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

**[SOMBRA] added [TRACER], [GENJI], and [D.VA] to the chat.**

**[D.VA] entered [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

**[TRACER] entered [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

**[GENJI] entered [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

SOMBRA: hola

SOMBRA: you already know what it is

SOMBRA: the chat is too quiet

SOMBRA: you set to shake things up

TRACER: im honored to be a part of this

TRACER: who are we harassing first?

GENJI: as long as you help me get the rest of my brothers fanfiction im in

SOMBRA: gotcha

D.VA: lol of course ill help you guys

SOMBRA: :^)

SOMBRA: take a big swig of caffeine

SOMBRA: here’s what we be doing

* * *

7:00 P.M.

**[SOMBRA] re-entered [WINSTON’S DAYCARE]**

**[D.VA] re-entered [WINSTON’S DAYCARE]**

**[TRACER] re-entered [WINSTON’S DAYCARE]**

**[GENJI] re-entered [WINSTON’S DAYCARE]**

SOMBRA: _@LÚCIO_ !

SOMBRA: jajajajajaja

LÚCIO: ? what

SOMBRA: sorry for bad english

SOMBRA: am big fan

SOMBRA: COME TO BRAZIL PLZ

SOMBRA: GOOD WEATHER IN BRAZIL IF YOU COME

TRACER: BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL

TRACER: VIVA LA BRAZIL

TRACER: 200 TIME WORLD CUP WINNER

GENJI: COME TO BRAZIL LÚCIO

GENJI: AM BIG LONG FAN

TRACER: AUTOGRAPH POR FAVOR

SOMBRA: ME ENCANTA TU NUEVO ÁLBUM

SOMBRA: COME TO BRAZIL

GENJI: hueheuehueheuehuehueheueheuheueheu

LÚCIO: oh no

LÚCIO: this is why i disabled my twitter

D.VA: 나는 너의 가장 큰 팬이다

D.VA: COME TO BRAZIL!

LÚCIO: not you too hana

D.VA: PLEASE

ANA: children

ANA: it is past your bedtime

ANA: go the fuck to sleep

WIDOWMAKER: These fucking kids.

SOMBRA: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

SOMBRA: AMÉLIE!

WIDOWMAKER: Merde.

SOMBRA: COME TO BRAZIL AMÉLIE!

TRACER: AMÉLIE!

TRACER: TE AMO <3 <3 <3

WIDOWMAKER:

WIDOWMAKER: Was that “I love you?”

TRACER: SÍ SÍ

TRACER: COME TO BRAZIL! TE AMO <3 <3

WIDOWMAKER: I will fucking dump you.

WINSTON: What.

WINSTON: What is going on this time?

SOMBRA: its a dank meme

LÚCIO: i think i got tinnitus

ZARYA: Why everyone here act like baby child?

WINSTON: I wish I knew.

* * *

8:00 P.M.

D.VA: /msg Lúcio >> hey <<

LÚCIO: /reply >> oh god what now <<

LÚCIO: >> i don’t have any money <<

D.VA: >> chill sombra is done with you i swear <<

D.VA: >> watch this <<

LUCIO: >> ? <<

D.VA: >> gonna score a babe <<

**[D.VA] changed the chat name to [D.VA’S DATING SIMULATOR]**

D.VA: Gee. It looks like my mech broke down. I could really use some help with the repairs.

**[TORBJÖRN] entered [D.VA’S DATING SIMULATOR]**

**[SYMMETRA] entered [D.VA’S DATING SIMULATOR]**

**[WINSTON] entered [D.VA’S DATING SIMULATOR]**

SYMMETRA: Do you require assistance?

TORBJÖRN: That old hunk of junk? I can fix it right away if you need.

ORISA: Hello, Ms. Song. I can call Efi if you desire.

WINSTON: Whatever the issue is, I’m sure we can solve it. Bring it down to my lab if you need.

WINSTON: I’m just happy to see someone’s using the chat correctly. Though the new chat name is… strange.

LUCIO: >> lol. orisa the ‘babe’ you wanted? <<

D.VA: >> shut it. i got this <<

D.VA: GEE. I REALLY WISH SOMEONE WITH RED HAIR, WHO’S TOTALLY RIPPED, CURRENTLY SINGLE, AND WHOSE NAME RHYMES WITH FRIGITTE COULD HELP ME WITH THESE REPAIRS.

TORBJÖRN: Sorry, no idea who you’re talking about. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

**[TORBJORN] left the chat.**

**[SYMMETRA] left the chat.**

D.VA: ...

LUCIO: >> let me lend a hand <<

LUCIO: _@BRIGITTE @BRIGITTE @BRIGITTE_

**[BRIGITTE] entered the chat [D.VA’S DATING SIMULATOR]**

BRIGITTE: hej! is something wrong?

D.VA: >> ohmygod what do I say <<

D.VA: >> I didn’t think I’d get this far <<

LUCIO: >> just ask for mech repairs? <<

D.VA: you have nice arms

LUCIO: >> ??? wtf <<

LUCIO: >> quick delete that gogogo <<

BRIGITTE: are you okay?

LUCIO: >> crap never mind she saw already <<

D.VA: >> hush i got this <<

D.VA: >> im a lady killer <<

D.VA: not when you’re so far away

D.VA: i feel empty and cold without you here

LÚCIO: >> STOP <<

BRIGITTE: alright

BRIGITTE: you obviously need help

BRIGITTE: ill be over in a second

BRIGITTE: please don’t do anything rash

D.VA: >> SCORE <<

LÚCIO: >> … <<

LÚCIO: >> there’s absolutely no way <<

LÚCIO: >> how did she not pick up on that <<

BASTION: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ BWEEP

ZENYATTA: Humans are indeed strange creatures my friend.

TRACER: i can hear you facepalming from the other room winston

TRACER: i actually kind of understand your pain for once

**[WINSTON] left the chat.**

BRIGITTE: ?

BRIGITTE: why did winston leave? what did we do?

TRACER: each other

BRIGITTE: im sorry what

TRACER: you heard me

BRIGITTE: . . . ?

TRACER: lol

TRACER: you precious little cinnamon roll

BRIGITTE: well okay

**[BRIGITTE] left the chat.**

**[D.VA] left the chat.**

TRACER: you got camera feed in hana’s room sombra?

SOMBRA: what do you think chica

TRACER: imma get my popcorn

WIDOWMAKER: Get me some too, chérie.

SOLDIER 76: I feel the need to remind everyone that under no circumstances can a Talon agent be let inside the base.

WIDOWMAKER: Merde. You are no fun.

TRACER: my window is open

SOLDIER 76: What did I just say?

* * *

9:00 P.M.

**[HANZO] entered [HELL]**

HANZO: …

HANZO: Are they gone?

LÚCIO: for the most part

TRACER: im still here luv

MEI: Oh, Lena!

MEI: We never had that talk

MEI: :)

TRACER: aaaaand im out

TRACER: winston called me for some important testing on my accelerator

TRACER: if you interrupt him he’ll be upset

WINSTON: No, I have no idea what she’s talking about.

TRACER: /msg Winston >> fuck you <<

TRACER: oops did i say winston?

TRACER: i meant angela!

MEI: Uh huh!

MEI: I’ll be over just to check then!

SOMBRA: mierda gotta run

SOMBRA: it’s been fun tracer

SOLDIER 76: I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET TALON IN

TRACER: sorry sombra

TRACER: come back soon

SOLDIER 76: Oh my god Lena, do you ever fucking listen?

SOLDIER 76: Trick question.

WIDOWMAKER: Touch one hair on my dove and I will show you no mercy, Mei-Ling Zhou.

TRACER: awwwh

TRACER: you’re hot when you’re threatening to kill people

SOLDIER 76: Are you literally just ignoring me?

HANZO: Somehow even with one of the main issues otherwise occupied

HANZO: This chat remains insufferable.

SOLDIER 76: Tell me about it.

TRACER: oh shit

TRACER: who knocked on my door

MEI: :)

TRACER: i know karate

TRACER: and qui-gon jinn

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: It is called taekwondo.

TRACER: close enough

WIDOWMAKER: Not even remotely.

REINHARDT: HAVE YOU MET QUI-GON JINN?

REINHARDT: HE WOULD KICK YOUR ASS!

TRACER: Mei

TRACER: Mei I’m really sorry.

TRACER: I’m so sorry put in extra effort into my grammar.

TRACER: Do you know how much typing with proper grammar hurts?

MEI: You should have thought about this before you interrupted my talk with Zarya :)

TRACER: shit

TRACER: tf are you ramming against the door

TRACER: i don’t think it’ll hold much longer

WIDOWMAKER: For God’s sake.

WIDOWMAKER: Jump out the window, chérie.

TRACER: what

WIDOWMAKER: Trust me.

TRACER: we haven’t even gone on our first date

TRACER: dont you think that’s a little extreme?

MEI: I’m coming in, Lena… :)

TRACER: jumping rn

**[TRACER] went idle.**

WIDOWMAKER: Well, we shall be in Seville.

WIDOWMAKER: Adieu.

**[WIDOWMAKER] left the chat.**

**[TRACER] left the chat.**

* * *

10:00 P.M.

HANZO: Finally.

HANZO: Lena’s gone.

HANZO: Hana’s gone.

HANZO: Maybe I can finally get some peace

HANZO: _@McCree_

**[MCCREE] entered [HELL]**

MCCREE: i sure hope so

GENJI: wwwwww

GENJI: brother

GENJI: did you forget about me

HANZO: Oh fuck off.

HANZO: I can kill you again.

GENJI: this is why i don’t like you

GENJI: maybe if you stopped threatening to kill me

GENJI: we could all get along

HANZO: Let’s be real.

GENJI: yeah wwwww

GENJI: id still bother you because sombra is sending me your fanfictions

GENJI: that’s just a bonus right now though

HANZO: WHAT.

SOMBRA: these are pretty good you know

SOMBRA: you should become an author

HANZO: STOP READING THOSE

HANZO: THEY’RE PERSONAL

SOMBRA: i can tell

SOMBRA: hey hanzo

SOMBRA: just an fyi

SOMBRA: i can paste these into the chat at anytime

HANZO: Are you blackmailing me?

SOMBRA: yep

HANZO: …

HANZO: What do you want?

SOMBRA: /msg Hanzo >> read romantic poetry to mccree <<

SOMBRA: >> text to speech <<

SOMBRA: >> public chat <<

SOMBRA: >> or i start pasting the fanfics <<

HANZO: /reply >> You’re psychotic. <<

SOMBRA: >> hmm <<

SOMBRA: >> this story you wrote- “Riding Cowboy” <<

SOMBRA: >> this one looks good <<

SOMBRA: >> im copying it now… <<

HANZO: >> Okay, okay. <<

MCCREE: you alright?

**[HANZO] enabled text-to-speech**

[♩]HANZO: I’m really sorry babe.

SOMBRA: i said

SOMBRA: romantic poetry

[♩]HANZO: Yeah yeah.

[♩]HANZO: Roses are red.

[♩]HANZO: Violets are blue

SOMBRA: no they fucking aren’t

[♩]HANZO: Jesse McCree

[♩]HANZO: I sure love you.

MCCREE: well ain’t that the darndest thing...

SOMBRA: laaaame

SOMBRA: unoriginal

SOMBRA: two more

[♩]HANZO: Fall leaves on the wind

[♩]HANZO: His eyes are like chocolate

[♩]HANZO: Our hands together

SOMBRA: haikus are for weebs

MCCREE: i love it

SOMBRA: last one

SOMBRA: TYPE FASTER

[♩]HANZO: In life there is yet one goal

[♩]HANZO: To share in the time which is given

[♩]HANZO: Jesse McCree, you make me whole

[♩]HANZO: Without you, I would not have liven

MCCREE: im gonna cry

SOMBRA: shrug

SOMBRA: well okay

SOMBRA: guess i have to let you go for now

[♩]HANZO: Thank god.

MCCREE: lets go get ice cream

MCCREE: im paying

**[HANZO] left the chat.**

**[MCCREE] left the chat.**

GENJI: you know sombra

SOMBRA: yep?

GENJI: if anyone in overwatch ever captures you

GENJI: there is a 100% chance you die the next day

SOMBRA: worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it for the second chapter. Sorry it took so long to update- surprise summer camp my mother didn’t tell me about. No phones allowed for ten hours straight.
> 
> Hopefully you enjoyed it as much as the first one, and it met your expectations. I know some parts were a lot more obnoxious. I had debated leaving them out but decided whatever. Also, that 8:00 P.M. Brig/Hana scene was inspired by a tumblr post. Heavily modified, but not my idea.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	3. Jeff From the Overwatch Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hiya! Is your name Jeff from the Overwatch team?”
> 
> “My name is Jeff.”
> 
> “Oh bloody perfect. I’ve been searching for you for 1000 years you know. This is gonna be great.”

November 3rd, 2076  
8:00 A.M.

ZARYA: ****** *******

ZARYA: ****** *******

ZARYA: ****** *******

ZARYA: Ø.ł.î.v.î.å Ç.0.1.Ó.m.@.r

ZARYA: HAH

**[TRACER] entered [SOVIETSKY STRONK]**

TRACER: good moooooorning

TRACER: wait holy

TRACER: did you finally do it zarya

ZARYA: Indeed!

TRACER: were you up all night just entering variations of her name

**[SOMBRA] entered [SOVIETSKY STRONK]**

SOMBRA: no fuck you

**[SOMBRA] muted [ZARYA] for 780000 hours.**

**[SOMBRA] changed the chat name to [F***ING SOVIETSKYS]**

SOMBRA: IM TRYING TO STAY HIDDEN GUYS

SOMBRA: ¡DIOS MÍO!

TRACER: from?

SOMBRA: FROM THE EVIL ROBOT GODS DUH

TRACER: oh silly me

**ATHENA: Hello, Sombra.**

SOMBRA: no offense but athena you’re kind of the worst god AI ever

**ATHENA: None taken?**

SOMBRA: i mean you really fucking suck, no offense

SOMBRA: even i can hack you

TRACER: harsh but fair

**ATHENA: I am going to take offense now.**

**[REAPER] entered [F***ING SOVIETSKYS]**

REAPER: **Hah.**

REAPER: **Your name is Olivia.**

REAPER: **With the way you act**

REAPER: **I figured it would be something like Esperanza De La Fuckboi**

SOMBRA: with the way you act

SOMBRA: i figured your name would be something like XxDEATHRAZOR69xX but here we are

TRACER: _@Winston_ HEY WINSTON WE GOT CLASSIFIED INTEL FROM TALON

TRACER: and they said this chat wouldn’t be useful huh olive cologne

SOMBRA: ok fuck you too

SOMBRA: sorry lean oxtown

**[SOMBRA] muted [TRACER] for 780000 hours**

**[WINSTON] entered [F***ING SOVIETSKYS]**

WINSTON: Sigh

WINSTON: I’ll go add her to the data file I guess.

SOMBRA: hey can you not

SOMBRA: i thought we were friends

WINSTON: What, from the one time you stole my invention?

SOMBRA: i mean yeah

SOMBRA: “Stealing someone’s shit means you really admire them and you should be friends. Also fuck the Russians.” - Albert Einstein

WINSTON: I don’t remember that one.

SOMBRA: well maybe you should fucking read more

REAPER: **That’s rich.**

* * *

9:00 A.M.

**[HANZO] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

HANZO: So Sombra.

SOMBRA: sí mi hombre?

HANZO: I noticed you muted Lena forever

HANZO: Are you gonna keep her like that?

SOMBRA: i dunno

SOMBRA: you want me to keep her muted?

HANZO: I mean

HANZO: Yes.

**[TRACER] is no longer muted.**

HANZO: …

**[HANZO] left the chat.**

TRACER: SERIOUSLY SOMBRA?

SOMBRA: it’s just a prank bro

TRACER: ALL I DID WAS CALL YOU OLIVE COLOGNE

SOMBRA: and that was incredibly offensive

SOMBRA: now that you’ve had some time to think about what you’ve done

SOMBRA: want to apologize?

TRACER: do i want to?

TRACER: is it a choice

SOMBRA: well not if you plan to be in the chat for the next ten years

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

WIDOWMAKER: Sombra.

WIDOWMAKER: Seriously.

TRACER: im not apologizing

SOMBRA: kk cya in ten

**[SOMBRA] muted [TRACER] for 780000 hours**

WIDOWMAKER: SOMBRA.

SOMBRA: sorry amelie

SOMBRA: but it was for the greater good

SOMBRA: im sure @Hanzo will be very happy

**[HANZO] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

HANZO: Wait

HANZO: Is it for real this time?

SOMBRA: sí

SOMBRA: 100%

HANZO: You’re joking.

SOMBRA: duh

**[TRACER] is no longer muted.**

**[HANZO] left the chat.**

* * *

9:30 A.M.

TRACER: WHOA

TRACER: _@Symmetra_

**[SYMMETRA] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

SYMMETRA: I can see you over there.

SYMMETRA: Why are you texting me if you are literally yards away?

TRACER: BUT SYM

TRACER: DID YOU JUST THROW YOUR TURRET?

SYMMETRA: I did.

TRACER: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT.

SYMMETRA: I figured it out just last night.

TRACER: but you’ve been placing them since forever

TRACER: you just now figured out you can throw them?

SYMMETRA: _@Sombra_

**[SOMBRA] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

SOMBRA: what can i say except you’re welcome

SYMMETRA: Well you can say you’re sorry.

TRACER: am i missing something

SYMMETRA: She broke into my room last night

SYMMETRA: I didn’t have my weapon so I just started throwing turrets

SOMBRA: you’re welcome

TRACER: why were you in her room

SOMBRA: reasons

SOMBRA: evil mega corporation reasons

SYMMETRA: If that is what you tell yourself.

SYMMETRA: She also broke my shield.

TRACER: your photon barrier?

TRACER: how

SYMMETRA: It doesn’t matter.

SYMMETRA: I have a better one now.

SOMBRA: wait shit

SOMBRA: did i give you a rework without knowing

SOMBRA: akande and i have been waiting years for a rework

TRACER: what

TRACER: “rework” ?

SOMBRA: hana knows what i mean

SYMMETRA: Well I do not.

SOMBRA: have none of you heard of the game overwatch

SOMBRA: do you guys seriously not know about your own game

TRACER: what

SOMBRA: around 2016 or something

SOMBRA: jeff from the overwatch team made a game called overwatch

SOMBRA: the poster girl of overwatch is actually a time traveler named tracer

SOMBRA: funny coincidence no?

WINSTON: That is highly improbable.

WINSTON: Unless…

TRACER: i didn’t do it

WINSTON: Yet.

WINSTON: What happened to this game? I’ve certainly never heard about it before.

SOMBRA: oh

SOMBRA: there was a big public outcry

SOMBRA: mass riots

SOMBRA: the UN intervened and made it disappear

WINSTON: And the outcry was caused by…?

SOMBRA: they gave junkrat another mine

SOMBRA: so he had 6 total mines

SOMBRA: also they gave mercy a 5 second rez cooldown

SOMBRA: “hey guys it’s me, jeff from the overwatch team. im really excited to announce some new changes going right past ptr i think you’ll all enjoy.”

WINSTON: Holy shit.

SOMBRA: yeah

SOMBRA: jeff from the overwatch team was high i think

TRACER: jeff from the overwatch team you say?

TRACER: brb

WINSTON: DO NOT

TRACER: it’ll only be a second luv

WINSTON: YOU CAN’T BREAK YOUR CHRONAL ACCELERATOR JUST TO TALK TO JEFF FROM THE OVERWATCH TEAM

WINSTON: IT MIGHT TAKE YOU TO ANCIENT GREECE

TRACER: oooh i want to talk to zeus

WINSTON: THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS

WINSTON: THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS

**[TRACER] left the chat.**

SYMMETRA: She just ran off.

WINSTON: Oh no.

WINSTON: What have you done, Sombra?

SOMBRA: oops i created overwatch

* * *

9:40 A.M.

**[TRACER] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

WINSTON: LENA

**[TRACER] left the chat.**

SOMBRA: she’s tripping through time

SOMBRA: i see her on all of your cameras

SOMBRA: like at once

WINSTON: Why is our security so bad.

SOMBRA: you tell me

**[TRACER] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

TRACER: ȟ̵̟͔͎̈̑͋̈̋̈́̀̾̆̈́

**[TRACER] left the chat.**

**[TRACER] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

TRACER: ḩ̶̠͍̪̓̊̃̈́͌̈́͗̋̎̚͠E̴͖̮̟͖͇̤̲̘̱̭̝̭͖͂͋͂̑͋̈́̋̀̕͠l̵̪̗̣͛̀́̆ͅp̸̹̞̎̓̄̄́͐͌͘͝

**[TRACER] left the chat.**

SOMBRA: damn

SOMBRA: that’s some a+ level glitching

SOMBRA: teach me your ways tracer

**[TRACER] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

TRACER: s̴͓̹̈́̉͜Ḩ̶̗͓͔̪̞̺͈̭̬͔̋̀͑̓͛͂͑̾̈́̌̾͆̓͋ü̵͍̘̗̩̜̮̳̩̦̭̃̕̚t̸̛͖͈̥͇̪͎̰̼̱͓͚̾̔̇̍̀̍̀͘͜ ̵̧̤͙̳̞̘̓̐̒̈́͑͝ü̷̧͇͕̊͒̎̄̒̄Ṕ̶̛̥̹̳͚̟̮͚̹͕̳̗̻͒̈

**[TRACER] left the chat.**

SOMBRA: :(

WINSTON: I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO IT

WINSTON: CHRONAL ACCELERATORS ARE EXPENSIVE

SOMBRA: lucky for her you have a backup

WINSTON: Lucky for you I have a backup

WINSTON: Wait.

WINSTON: Whatever.

SOMBRA: :)

WINSTON: Alright, where is she.

SOMBRA: literally everywhere

SOMBRA: ooh i don’t think she should have seen that

WINSTON: I don’t even want to know.

WINSTON: So she’s in my lab?

SOMBRA: that’s what i just said yes

WINSTON: Just a moment.

SOMBRA: commercial break woooo

**[HANZO] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

**[MCCREE] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

HANZO: LENA OXTON

HANZO: KNOCK

SOMBRA: yeah sorry she interrupted me and widowmaker too

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

WIDOWMAKER: No.

WIDOWMAKER: No, she did not.

* * *

10:00 A.M.

**[TRACER] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

TRACER: A̷̜̭̥̟̳̪̳͎̜̯̘̖͎̣̐̒̊̂̄̀̿̎͑̄̌͒͛̾͜͝á̶͓̜̟̯̓̌͋̑̅͑̈͌͂͌̂͠͠æ̶͈̪̥͓͔̮͕̼͓͕̐͜͜h̵̡̗͚͙͇͙̲̗͉̗̍̑͐͑͋̌̐̆̑̈́̎ ̶̤͋̽̀͊͐g̷̨̙̣̻̲͚̫̳͖̬̬͖̼̙͂ͅO̷͙̳͛̆ḓ̷̤̥̲̣̰̫̺̘͉̘̙͎̠̲̌̒͋̍̓̍̑̄͐́͋̕Z̵̻̄̎̃̉͘͠i̷̢̛͖͉̠̫̙̙̣̻͚͇̦͉̒͑̅́̈́̓͆̐͘l̸̨̡̲̟͖͋̒́̈́̎̐̎̈́͗̈́̓͑̚͠ł̸̡̜̭̝͒͂̌̀̑̒̀̓̊̔̕͝a̶͇̼͎͍̱͗͒̋̄̍̌͒͘͝

WINSTON: Sadly, not the worst way I’ve been greeted.

TRACER: oh hi winston

TRACER: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH YOU BIG LUG

TRACER: IT’S BEEN TEN BLOODY YEARS

SOMBRA: more like ten bloody minutes

TRACER: FOR YOU

TRACER: I WENT TO THE CIVIL WAR

TRACER: AND THIS GUY HEARD MY ACCENT AND HE TRIED TO SHOOT ME

WINSTON: I think you mean the Revolutionary War, Lena.

TRACER: SAME THING

TRACER: EVERYONE WAS ALWAYS ASKING ME WHAT THE HECK MY CLOTHES WERE

TRACER: I WAS LIKE THE HECK YOUR CLOTHES BIIIIITCH

SOMBRA: slick

TRACER: SO THEN I WENT BACK TO THE DARK AGES

TRACER: SOME VIKINGS LED BY A 6” TÖRBJORN

SOMBRA: terrifying

TRACER: YEAH AND THEN THEY DRAGGED ME AROUND RAIDING PARIS

TRACER: I CHECKED THERE WAS NO HOT WIDOW LOOK-A-LIKES

WIDOWMAKER: Should I be flattered or worried?

SOMBRA: definitely worried

SOMBRA: you should date me instead, i don’t cheat

SOMBRA: ask katya

WIDOWMAKER: She is married.

WIDOWMAKER: She has a daughter.

SOMBRA: uh huh

WIDOWMAKER: ...

TRACER: I TALKED TO THE CREATOR OF THE NOOK

TRACER: I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ANY REGRETS

TRACER: OH AND THEN I WENT INTO THE FUTURE AND WELL

TRACER: WELL SHIT

WINSTON: Did the omnics take over?

HANZO: Are there more of you in the future?

WIDOWMAKER: The latter is more horrifying honestly.

TRACER: NO

TRACER: THE MEMES

TRACER: THEY’RE UTTER RUBBISH

WIDOWMAKER: What did I expect?

TRACER: but anyway

TRACER: i found jeff from the overwatch team

TRACER: hope it was the right jeff lol

TRACER: i told him my life story in the time i had

TRACER: guy believed me pretty easily somehow

TRACER: he said he’d never progress the story but oh well

TRACER: i also specifically said

TRACER: “make sure doomfist is a throw pick and he can’t even punch a soda can off a table”

SOMBRA: well it’s kind of accurate

TRACER: “make sure sombra is a throw pick as well. give her less dps than half the supports, make her ult useless, and make her require 700% more effort to use”

SOMBRA: THAT WAS YOU?

SOMBRA: SAY ADIÓS TO YOUR FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION PUTA

TRACER: “make widowmaker a throw pick too, unless you’re literally god and a professional tiny heads clicker. her average scoped accuracy should be like 10% or you’re doing it wrong.”

WIDOWMAKER: How did Jeff from the Overwatch team listen to you?

WIDOWMAKER: These are ridiculous.

TRACER: “reaper should be the worst dps on the list besides sombra. he should have to be breathing down his opponents neck to do damage.”

REAPER: **YOU’RE DEAD, LENA OXTON.**

TRACER: “oh, and make him like really fucking edgy, like you think the edge maximum is here put him like ten feet above that”

REAPER: **GRRR…**

TRACER: “basically make everyone in talon the worst and they fail all of their missions”

SOMBRA: why do you hate talon so much?

TRACER: gee idk

WINSTON: Yeah, I can name several reasons…

TRACER: no that wasn’t sarcasm i legit don’t know

TRACER: it’s been ten years seriously

TRACER: hey amélie?

WIDOWMAKER: Oui, chérie?

TRACER: can i join talon?

SOMBRA: yaaasss queen

SOMBRA: come to the dark side, we have cookies

REAPER: **And T-shirts.**

SOMBRA: merch link in bio

TRACER: REALLY?

TRACER: WINSTON IM GONNA PACK MY THINGS

WINSTON: You’ve got to be kidding me, Lena.

WINSTON: This had better be a joke.

TRACER: im serious

REAPER: **You have to wear an edgy outfit.**

TRACER: …

TRACER: actually nevermind

TRACER: neither black nor purple are my color

SOMBRA: YOU SOILED IT GABE

WIDOWMAKER: We would have had so much fun together.

WIDOWMAKER: Ah, if only.

SOMBRA: widowmaker we already have a ton of fun though

WIDOWMAKER: That was a good joke, chérie.

TRACER: sorry luv, edgy cosplay is a line for me

REAPER: **IT ISN’T COSPLAY**

TRACER: sure thing scream

* * *

10:30 A.M.

HANZO: So let me get this straight.

TRACER: but you’re gay

HANZO: AHEM.

TRACER: you have to say “let me get this gay”

HANZO: MOVING ON.

TRACER: say it or i’ll keep interrupting you

HANZO:

HANZO: Whatever.

HANZO: So let me get this gay.

HANZO: Overwatch was created because Sombra broke into Symmetra’s room for reasons yet to be determined

HANZO: Symmetra threw her turrets because she doesn’t sleep with her gun

HANZO: She figured out she can throw them and they work like normal

HANZO: She goes to test this ability outside the base one day

HANZO: Tracer sees her and decides to shout it to the world

TRACER: yep yep

HANZO: Sombra makes an offhand comment about giving Symmetra a “rework”

SOMBRA: sí

HANZO: She mentions an old, top secret game called Overwatch and a “Jeff from the Overwatch team”

HANZO: Tracer gets excited

HANZO: Breaks her chronal accelerator

HANZO: And trips through time for ten years

HANZO: Finally meets Jeff from the Overwatch team

HANZO: Rigs the game so Talon sucks.

HANZO: Am I missing anything?

TRACER: no that seems right

HANZO: Okay.

HANZO: What.

HANZO: The.

HANZO: Fuck.

TRACER: shrug

TRACER: it’s overwatch, what are you going to do?

HANZO: So does this qualify as a paradox, Winston?

HANZO: Going back in time to create something that didn’t exist in the future?

TRACER: wow i’ve never seen you write a sentence that doesn’t end in an angry huff

HANZO: Shut it.

TRACER: that’s better

WINSTON: …

WINSTON: You know

WINSTON: I actually have no idea.

WINSTON: I guess so.

TRACER: woot making history one chronal accelerator at a time

TRACER: imma teach the dinosaurs how to not get hit by meteors next time i go

WINSTON: Do not **ever** do that again.

SOMBRA: you know he’s serious when he breaks out the underline

* * *

11:00 A.M.

**[REINHARDT] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

**[ANA] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

**[MERCY] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

**[GENJI] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

GENJI: lena

TRACER: yep

GENJI: did you tell jeff from the overwatch team to make gency a thing

MERCY: Oh dear god.

TRACER: uhm lets see

TRACER: i mean you have a line about chocolates together

SOMBRA: oh my gawd soulmates

SOMBRA: what a cute ship

SOMBRA: ZOMG

HANZO: This chat’s peak is not knowing whether you’re joking or not.

GENJI: LENA

GENJI: IM GAY

MERCY: YES!

REINHARDT: HELLO GAY!

REINHARDT: I AM REINHARD!

**[BRIGITTE] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

BRIGITTE: you dropped this T godfather

LÚCIO: yooo brig my girl

LÚCIO: where’s hana?

BRIGITTE: is she not awake yet?

TRACER: wait a sec

BRIGITTE: uhm

BRIGITTE: not what i meant

BRIGITTE: sorry

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BRIGITTE: NO WE DON’T

BRIGITTE: WE DIDN’T

BRIGITTE: WE HAVEN’T EVEN

BRIGITTE: im so sorry

REINHARDT: HELLO SO SORRY!

REINHARDT: I AM YOUR GODFATHER!

TRACER: it isn’t funny the second time

ANA: i mean that’s debatable

* * *

12:00 P.M.

**[D.VA] entered [GAYS INTO THE IRIS]**

LÚCIO: ayy she lives

TRACER: its about bloody time

TRACER: you missed a right ton

TRACER: actually i haven’t talked to you in ten years

D.VA: wait what

TRACER: i’ll pm you

LÚCIO: no lena

LÚCIO: best friends first

LÚCIO: there are more pressing matters

TRACER: like?

TRACER: ooooh right

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BRIGITTE: you’re never going to let that go huh?

D.VA: hiya brigitte!

BRIGITTE: hej hana!

TRACER: awwwww

TRACER: i can feel the tension through my phone

D.VA: but we literally just said hi

D.VA: like a friendly greeting

D.VA: right brig?

BRIGITTE: sure yeah

TRACER: wait that’s widow calling me im on vibrate woops

WIDOWMAKER: Pick up you lazy English woman.

**[TRACER] went idle.**

**[WIDOWMAKER] went idle.**

LÚCIO: /msg D.VA >> so. <<

LÚCIO: >> how’d it go <<

D.VA: /reply >> how’d what go <<

LÚCIO: >> … <<

LÚCIO: >> HANA <<

LÚCIO: >> YOU BOTH WENT INTO YOUR ROOM <<

LÚCIO: >> SHE NEVER CAME OUT UNTIL LIKE 10 <<

LÚCIO: >> AND YOU’RE JUST NOW WAKING UP AT NOON <<

LÚCIO: >> DON’T GIVE ME THAT <<

D.VA: >> oh <<

D.VA: >> you mean with brigitte <<

LÚCIO: >> yes <<

LÚCIO: >> unless someone else spent the night in your room idk <<

D.VA: >> okay okay well <<

D.VA: >> it turns out she thought i was like really drunk or something <<

D.VA: >> but i wasn’t <<

D.VA: >> so she was like “oh” and i was like “oh” and we just kinda stood there <<

LÚCIO: >> with the things you said I’d be really confused <<

D.VA: >> like the awkward silence ya know <<

D.VA: >> but then we started talking <<

D.VA: >> did you know brigitte put a jetpack on one of her cats <<

D.VA: >> yeah it’s really cool and relatable <<

D.VA: >> what a fascinating person <<

LÚCIO: >> you need help <<

D.VA: >> anyway we got out a movie <<

D.VA: >> avengers i think? some cheap overwatch knock off <<

D.VA: >> hung out on my couch, got some doritos <<

D.VA: >> that went on for a while <<

D.VA: >> like i think around two i dozed off <<

LÚCIO: >> … is that it? <<

LÚCIO: >> nothing else? <<

D.VA: >> were you expecting fireworks or something <<

LÚCIO: >> i mean… <<

D.VA: >> and then there were fireworks <<

D.VA: >> the end <<

D.VA: >> oh she put her blanket around me i think <<

D.VA: >> i need to return that <<

D.VA: >> still dunno if she likes me tho <<

LÚCIO: >> … <<

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three down. I hope you liked my stupid headcanon turned Game Theory- I have a ton of those. 
> 
> There’ll probably be timeskips so I can get to certain events FYI. I realize now the date I chose to start on is kind of suboptimal for a lot of things, but we’ll get through it.
> 
> Thank you for reading once again!


	4. Edgelords, Petitions, and Ancient Shimada Traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m telling you mi amiga - you really don’t want to enter this chat.”
> 
> “And I’m telling that you are mistaken.”
> 
> ...
> 
> “This is the only time I will ever say this to you.”
> 
> “Sí? Espera, let me get my camera.”
> 
> “You were right.”

1:00 P.M.  
Day three continued

**[MOIRA] entered [EDGELORD ALLEY]**

MOIRA: Mwahahah.

SANJAY: AHAHAHAH.

DOOMFIST: HAH.

REAPER: **Holy shit guys.**

SOMBRA: ooh let me

SOMBRA: JAJAJAJAJAJA

MOIRA: Sombra.

MOIRA: First of all no.

MOIRA: Second of all no.

REAPER: **…**

REAPER: **So what was all the evil laughing for?**

MOIRA: Everything is coming together quite well.

REAPER: **Oh okay.**

REAPER: **Thanks for being specific.**

MOIRA: Reaper.

MOIRA: We’re villains.

MOIRA: We have to be vague and foreboding.

REAPER: **Are you actually following Sombra’s advice?**

REAPER: **She’s usually the one who screws stuff up.**

SOMBRA: does it really count if i do it on purpose though?

WIDOWMAKER: Actually, I think Reyes is the one who ruins things.

WIDOWMAKER: You’re supposed to demolish tanks, but you got beaten by a Svyatogor.

REAPER: **I ran out of shotguns, that one doesn’t count**

WIDOWMAKER: And failing to duel Winston not once but twice?

REAPER: **Hey Widowmaker.**

REAPER: **Remember the gauntlet mission?**

REAPER: **How you got punched by a five-year old?**

WIDOWMAKER: That was one time.

MOIRA: I think we can come to a consensus.

MOIRA: All of your ruin everything.

SOMBRA: well yeah

REAPER: **When’s the last time you did anything helpful, O’Deorain?**

MOIRA: Well

MOIRA: There was that time I resurrected you

MOIRA: And that time I turned Widowmaker blue

WIDOWMAKER: I am fucking purple.

SOMBRA: i thought you were fucking tracer

WIDOWMAKER: …

WIDOWMAKER: I hate everyone here.

MOIRA: I’ve also made hundreds of scientific advancements.

MOIRA: Actually I think I’m the only one who gets stuff done.

MOIRA: Sanjay and I atleast

SANJAY: An astute observation, O’Deorain.

SOMBRA: yuck

SOMBRA: why does he type like an old guy

SOMBRA: i hate smart people

* * *

1:15 P.M.

MOIRA: Council meeting.

REAPER: **But Sombra and Widowmaker are still here.**

MOIRA: Oh Sombra will see anyway

MOIRA: And I couldn’t care less about the smurf.

WIDOWMAKER: ...

WIDOWMAKER: One day, Moira.

MOIRA: Anyway

MOIRA: Our intelligence has informed us that our enemies will be waking soon

SOMBRA: i have a name you know

SOMBRA: and it is definitely not “intelligence”

REAPER: **MOIRA.**

REAPER: **I CANNOT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD YOU ARE SAYING.**

REAPER: **WHO IS THE ENEMY.**

REAPER: **WHEN IS SOON.**

REAPER: **THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WAKING.**

REAPER: **GOOD GOD.**

MOIRA: That would be a spoiler

SOMBRA: shrek dies in infinity war

REAPER: **I WAS GOING TO WATCH THAT MOVIE SOMBRA**

MOIRA: We must prevent their waking

MOIRA: An offensive is in order.

MOIRA: If we do not take down Overwatch, we shall be fighting two enemies at once.

SANJAY: A most interesting proposal

SANJAY: HOWEVER...

SANJAY: I DISAGREE

SANJAY: *evil glasses glint*

SOMBRA: good meme

SOMBRA: v old

SOMBRA: sí sí

REAPER: **HOLY SHIT.**

REAPER: **THIS IS NOT A FUCKING ROLEPLAY CHAT**

REAPER: **WE ARE BETTER THAN OVERWATCH**

WIDOWMAKER: Are we really though?

SOMBRA: it’s a nice sentiment i guess

MOIRA: Be quiet or I will mute you.

MOIRA: Reaper you as well.

REAPER: **This is a democracy.**

MOIRA: Not anymore it isn’t.

SOMBRA: dammmn get him woooo

REAPER: **So this is how liberty dies**

REAPER: **With thunderous applause.**

MOIRA: SO

MOIRA: Sanjay, what do you propose?

SANJAY: We get ice cream

MOIRA:

MOIRA: Come again?

SANJAY: You heard me

SANJAY: Enough of this

SANJAY: Overwatch is insignificant

SANJAY: Stop acting like they pose a threat

SOMBRA: whooa tone change

MOIRA: …

MOIRA: What flavor do you guys want?

* * *

1:45 P.M.

MOIRA: SANJAY

SANJAY: Yes?

MOIRA: Did you lock my computer

SANJAY: Mhmm.

SANJAY: You managed to fail an ice cream mission, O’Deorain.

REAPER: **How did the ice cream fucking melt before you got back?**

MOIRA: Ugh.

SOMBRA: im going back to the overwatch chat

SOMBRA: all of you suck

MOIRA: Overwatch has a chat?

SOMBRA: mierda

MOIRA: Have you been holding out on me?

SOMBRA: now you’re gonna want to join huh

MOIRA: Your hypothesis is correct.

REAPER: **Oh boy.**

* * *

2:30 P.M.

TRACER: sign this petition!

TRACER: [link]

SOLDIER 76: What is it?

TRACER: a petition to make reinhardt and ana overwatch’s first straight couple

TRACER: we need ten more signatures before they start dating

TRACER: twenty and they marry

WINSTON: I don’t think that’s how petitions work.

ANA: lena dear i love you

ANA: but kindly fuck off

REINHARDT: BEGONE THOT!

TRACER: hey rein

TRACER: i’ll get you beer if you sign it

BRIGITTE: no

REINHARDT: HAH!

REINHARDT: YOU THINK I CAN BE BRIBED?

TRACER: all the beer you want

BRIGITTE: lena really

REINHARDT:

REINHARDT: SIGNED!

TRACER: only eight more signatures

PHARAH: you know

PHARAH: a dad who acknowledges my existence more than once a year would be nice

PHARAH: but at the same time that’s not how petitions work at all

TRACER: JUST SIGN IT PHARAH

PHARAH: no im good

TRACER: uuugh

TRACER: this will be harder than i thought

TRACER: _@Orisa @Zenyatta @Bastion_

ORISA: Hello, Ms. Oxton. What do you need?

BASTION: bweep boop boop boop boop boooooo? く（＾_・）ゝ

TRACER: i need all of you to sign this petition

ZENYATTA: If it will bring you happiness, we have signed.

TRACER: YES ONLY FIVE MORE

ANA: omnics don’t count dear

TRACER: ARE YOU RACIST???!?!???

ANA: it’s just that they’re way more compassionate than humans and will do things just to make you happy with no regards for anything else

ANA: have you seen the iron giant

REINHARDT: YOU STAY!

REINHARDT: I GO!

REINHARDT: NO FOLLOWING!

BRIGITTE: reinhardt we talked about charging into the enemy

TRACER: WOW ANA

TRACER: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE SO RACIST!!!!

ANA: ...

TRACER: hey hana genji sombra

D.VA: oooooh

D.VA: totes signed lena!

SOMBRA: signed.

GENJI: i suppose signed

TRACER: twoooo more

REINHARDT: BAGUETTE!

BRIGITTE: for the last time reinhardt im not a french breadstick

REINHARDT: WHATEVER.

REINHARDT: WE NEED TO BUY A SUIT AND FLOWERS!

ANA: rein even if this petition goes through im not doing it

REINHARDT: OF COURSE YOU ARE!

REINHARDT: IT IS WRITTEN IN THE TERMS OF SERVICE THAT YOU MUST!

ANA: who reads the tos

ANA: and no it isn’t

TRACER: sombra change the tos

SOMBRA: done

REINHARDT: YES IT IS, ANA!

SOMBRA: /msg Brigitte >> hey brig <<

BRIGITTE: /reply >> not you <<

BRIGITTE: >> you can’t blackmail me <<

SOMBRA: >> is that a challenge <<

SOMBRA: >> what if torb found out about your little crush hmm <<

SOMBRA: >> or ingrid <<

BRIGITTE: >> you want me to sign the petition? <<

SOMBRA: >> yeeeep <<

TRACER: wait why did brigitte just sign

TRACER: what

BRIGITTE: never speak of this again

SOMBRA: hey _@Hanzo_ get in here

SOMBRA: you know what it’s about

HANZO: Oh my god.

HANZO: Whatever.

TRACER: TEN SIGNATURES!

TRACER: ANA YOU HAVE TO DATE HIM NOW

ANA: ….

ANA: no i do not

* * *

3:00 P.M.

**[HANZO] created [ADULTS ONLY]**

**[HANZO] added [SYMMETRA], [WIDOWMAKER] and [SOLDIER 76]**

**[SYMMETRA] entered [ADULTS ONLY]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered [ADULTS ONLY]**

**[SOLDIER 76] entered [ADULTS ONLY]**

SYMMETRA: Ah, a shady title.

SYMMETRA: I like it.

WIDOWMAKER: Why is Morrison here?

WIDOWMAKER: He cries when he stubs his toe.

WIDOWMAKER: And then probably proceeds to hide away for ten years in some remote corner of the Amazon Industrial Forest.

SOLDIER 76: Really?

SOLDIER 76: Even Talon holds that against me.

WIDOWMAKER: No offense but I can easily tell you’re a piece of shit.

HANZO: I am willing to give him a chance.

HANZO: We are low on options with two out of three people behaving like children.

SYMMETRA: So what’s the point of this chat?

HANZO: Well…

HANZO: I was thinking it would be like a coping chat.

HANZO: We make passive aggressive comments and low key roasts to hold onto our sanity.

WIDOWMAKER: Well, I would make passive aggressive comments, but a certain half-naked weeaboo keeps running his dick-filled mouth.

HANZO: That’s rich coming from a woman who’s V-neck is lower than their scoped accuracy.

WIDOWMAKER: I have fucked more girls AND guys than you, Shimada.

HANZO: Well, you fucked Lena so.

WIDOWMAKER: Well, you fucked McCree so.

HANZO: Touché

HANZO: See? It is a good stress reliever.

WIDOWMAKER: It is.

* * *

3:10 P.M.

**[D.VA] entered [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

D.VA: hey lena

D.VA: rein and ana want to join

TRACER: oh really?

TRACER: i mean of course they can

TRACER: just a sec luv

**[TRACER] added [REINHARDT] and [ANA] to the chat.**

**[REINHARDT] entered [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

**[ANA] entered [OPERATION 8-YEAR OLD]**

REINHARDT: HELLO FELLOW KIDS!

REINHARDT: I BROUGHT MY FIDGET SPINNERS!

REINHARDT: ߷ ߷

REINHARDT: THE LEFT ONE IS NAMED BOB AND THE RIGHT IS ROSS!

D.VA: wow thats

D.VA: really great

REINHARDT: I KNOW!

ANA: rein

ANA: i don’t think kids use fidget spinners anymore

GENJI: i have fidget shurikens

ANA: nice

SOMBRA: nice

D.VA: nice

REINHARDT: NICE!

D.VA: ana rein

D.VA: you need to take the oath

TRACER: ooooh we have an oath now?

TRACER: good one luv, didn’t expect you to go so far out of your way

REINHARDT: I WOULD BE HONORED TO TAKE THE 8-YEAR OLD OATH

D.VA: I, <name>, solemnly swear that I shall not complain if I die as a friendly. I hereby acknowledge the fact that a w+m1 pyro may accidentally kill me, or a F2P may not understand what a friendly is. I understand that death in this game IS INEVITABLE and that I always have the option of going onto a community server if people do keep killing me. I will not whine when, not if, but when I die. I will not cry. I will not complain. I will not make other people want to kick me which may lead to more complaining. I understand death is inevitable and that is fine. I will still be friendly because accidents are OK.

TRACER: what

TRACER: i don’t get it

REINHARDT: SILENCE!

REINHARDT: PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!

REINHARDT: I, REINHARDT, SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I WILL CHARGE INTO THE ENEMY LINES WHENEVER I CAN. I HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WIDOWMAKER MAY HEADSHOT MY ENTIRE SQUAD AS SOON AS I DO THIS, OR REAPER MAY START A DEATH BLOSSOM. I UNDERSTAND THAT DEATH IN LIFE IS INEVITABLE, AND MY SQUAD SHOULD ACCEPT THIS AND MOVE ON. THEY WILL NOT WHINE WHEN, NOT IF, THEY DIE. THEY WILL NOT CRY. THEY UNDERSTAND DEATH IS INEVITABLE AND THAT IS FINE. THEY WILL STILL BE FRIENDLY BECAUSE ACCIDENTS ARE OKAY.

D.VA: brilliant! you’re hired!

D.VA: a near perfect copypasta 7.8/10

SOMBRA: yeah but widowmaker can’t hit anything and reaper would never capitalize on an opportunity

TRACER: is that really all you have to say about that

TRACER: oh well, pity whoever gets stuck with him in combat

ANA: so me

TRACER: yep

D.VA: now you have to say your oath ana

D.VA: try to top his

ANA: i ana swear that this is stupid and no one actually cares except you you pathetic excuse for pandering

D.VA: bully

TRACER: oooh shit it’s true

TRACER: korean gamer girls are really in right now

D.VA: …

ANA: so am i in or do i have to roast you more?

D.VA: fine fine you’re in

SOMBRA: new arrivals in chat btw

D.VA: let’s go greet them

* * *

3:20 P.M.

**[DOOMFIST] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

**[MOIRA] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

**[SOMBRA] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

DOOMFIST: Hello, Overwatch.

WINSTON: I thought we secured the gauntlet.

SOMBRA: lol no

SOMBRA: we literally just walked in after the fight was over

DOOMFIST: Never trust ordinary people, Winston.

DOOMFIST: They are weak.

**[REINHARDT] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

**[ANA] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

REINHARDT: OOF!

REINHARDT: I THINK I MAY HAVE CUT MYSELF ON YOUR EDGE, FRIEND!

REINHARDT: GOOD THING I HAVE FLEX TAPE!

ANA: im pretty sure that’s not for your fingers reinhardt

REINHARDT: NONSENSE!

REINHARDT: IT IS WATERPROOF!

DOOMFIST: …

DOOMFIST: Alright then.

DOOMFIST: Is that _@Orisa_ I see?

DOOMFIST: Hello again.

ORISA: Subject “real meanie” detected. Formulating response…

ORISA: “dont you ever talk to me or my robot child again” - Efi

ORISA: Now executing /ignore on the subject.

DOOMFIST: Wow.

DOOMFIST: I thought we could be friends.

**[TRACER] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

**[D.VA] entered [HI TALON THIS IS HANA SPEAKING]**

D.VA: doomfist me daddio

DOOMFIST: Come again?

D.VA: I SAID

D.VA: DOOMFIST ME DADDIO

DOOMFIST: ...

SOLDIER 76: God is truly dead.

D.VA: this is so sad can we hit 50 likes???

SOMBRA: yesn’t

MOIRA: Well, this chat is simply marvelous.

TRACER: almost as marvelous as the corkers in the raf running loops over the palace huh luv

MOIRA: I am Irish and even I cannot fathom a word you just said.

MOIRA: How do you handle these idiots, Dr. Ziegler?

MERCY: Oh I don’t.

MERCY: I lock myself in my room and scream.

TRACER: huh

TRACER: is that why you were screaming luv

MERCY: Lena I swear to Gott.

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MERCY: I have a taser.

TRACER: i have a girlfriend

MERCY: What.

TRACER: i thought we were stating things that could be easily outrun

WIDOWMAKER: You wish.

* * *

SOMBRA: /msg Genji >> hola genji <<

GENJI: /reply >> hello sombra <<

GENJI: >> do you require something? <<

SOMBRA: >> oh boy do I <<

* * *

4:30 P.M.

**[MERCY] entered [SUPPORT SUPPORT GROUP]**

**[MERCY] added [BRIGITTE] to the chat.**

**[BRIGITTE] entered [SUPPORT SUPPORT GROUP]**

ZENYATTA: Welcome, Ms. Lindholm

LÚCIO: another one

BRIGITTE: hallå angela, lúcio, zenyatta

BRIGITTE: what’s this?

MERCY: A support group for the support class.

MERCY: Welcome to Overwatch, Brigitte.

LÚCIO: yep, welcome

MERCY: I hope you enjoy your time here, but you probably won’t.

BRIGITTE: that’s…

BRIGITTE: thanks?

MERCY: It is a hell on earth.

MERCY: They always need healing.

MERCY: Always.

BRIGITTE: oookay

LÚCIO: it’s not all bad

LÚCIO: just mostly

**[MOIRA] entered [SUPPORT SUPPORT GROUP]**

MOIRA: I’ve made a resolution everyone.

BRIGITTE: that’s a talon agent

MERCY: We’re very supportive of all here. What is it, Moira?

LÚCIO: (she just really likes moira)

MERCY: (not true)

MOIRA: I am never using my healing nanobots again

MERCY: What happened?

MOIRA: Widowmaker makes sure to stand as far away as possible

MOIRA: Sombra actively avoids me with her translocator

MOIRA: And Doomfist just rushes in and gets incapacitated almost instantly

MOIRA: That’s it for me.

MERCY: My condolences

MERCY: I would go Battle Mercy but it’s not viable

LÚCIO: your pistol actually does

LÚCIO: a SuPRisInG amount of hurt

MERCY: Do not start with that.

BRIGITTE: is ana not here?

MERCY: Oh god no

MERCY: I value this chat’s integrity.

**[SOMBRA] entered [SUPPORT SUPPORT GROUP]**

SOMBRA: well i don’t

MOIRA: Sombra, you’re ruining this for me.

**[GENJI] entered [SUPPORT SUPPORT GROUP]**

GENJI: angela

GENJI: i require healing

GENJI: group up with me

GENJI: mada mada

GENJI: mada mada

GENJI: mada mada

MERCY: …

GENJI: please angela

GENJI: lena pushed me down the stairs

GENJI: i am 199/200

MERCY: ...

**[GENJI] was removed from the chat by [MERCY]**

**[SOMBRA] was removed from the chat by [MOIRA]**

MERCY: I’m actually going to kill him soon.

ZENYATTA: Violence is not the answer, Ms. Ziegler.

MERCY: But it’s a pretty good option, no?

* * *

6:00 P.M.

D.VA: _@Hanzo @Reaper @Genji @Sombra @Doomfist @Moira @Widowmaker_

**[REAPER] entered [HI OVERWATCH THIS IS AKANDE SPEAKING]**

REAPER: **Actually, it’s REAPER.**

D.VA: yeah yeah im an edgelord when i was only 2 i killed my parents with a kitchen knife my favorite band is MCR we know

REAPER: **WHAT.**

REAPER: **HOW DID YOU KNOW?**

D.VA:

SOLDIER 76: Are you serious?

SOMBRA: the mcr thing is true

SOMBRA: i think the rest of that was a joke

SOMBRA: i really hope the rest of that was a joke

D.VA: he knows what a joke is?

REAPER: **I’m a real fungi.**

D.VA: …

D.VA: gonna pretend you didn’t just say that

D.VA: anyway

D.VA: i found a web browser all of you would enjoy

SOMBRA: qué?

D.VA: it’s called microsoft edge

SOMBRA: im not that edgy

TRACER: yes you are luv

SOMBRA: I DIDN’T CHOOSE THE OUTFIT ESTÁ BIEN?

MOIRA: Yes, you did.

HANZO: How am I edgy?

MCCREE: hanzo is the softest guy i know

D.VA: hah gaaaaayyyyyyyyyy

MCCREE: no u

D.VA: oh shit he’s right

HANZO: Again, how am I edgy?

D.VA: “you are already dead”

D.VA: come on

HANZO:

HANZO: Fine, maybe that line was a bit too much.

D.VA: got eeeeem

WIDOWMAKER: Just because I’m in Talon doesn’t mean I’m edgy.

D.VA: lol all this denial

TRACER: luv…

TRACER: not feeling anything

TRACER: all the spiders

TRACER: killing your husband (no objections here)

SOLDIER 76: LENA

SOLDIER 76: GÉRARD’S DEATH WAS A TRAGEDY

TRACER: oooh that was his name

TRACER: sorry forgot with you know

TRACER: being excluded from overwatch

SOLDIER 76: You were too young.

TRACER: YOu wERe ToO YoUNg _@D.VA_

D.VA: hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is hana but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 19 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like pink and girls (im bi if u don’t like it deal w/it) and also starcraft!!!!! in my spare time tho i am an agent in overwatch!!! i hunt and ~~kill~~ srry knock out evil-doers!!!! =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!  
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <\--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!

TRACER: exactly

SOLDIER 76: It’s different now.

TRACER: It’S DiFfeRenT NoW

SOLDIER 76: ...

WIDOWMAKER: You went so far off topic chérie.

TRACER: anyway yes luv you’re edgy

* * *

7:00 P.M.

**[MCCREE] entered [HELLO OVERWATCH THIS IS AKANDE SPEAKING]**

MCCREE: genji bucko

GENJI: i am not your bucko pal

MCCREE: im not your pal guy

GENJI: i am not your…

GENJI: what is it jesse?

MCCREE: uhm so weird question

MCCREE: apparently it’s shimada tradition for the firstborn’s chosen to have to duel to the death with the secondborn

MCCREE: if im getting all that spangly stuff right i have to kill you to marry hanzo

HANZO: What.

HANZO: Why are you bringing this up now?

MCCREE: no reason

SOMBRA: it’s a good thing genji is adopted then

GENJI: no im not

SOMBRA: yes you are

GENJI: no im not

SOMBRA: ...

SOMBRA: stubborn japanese ninjas don’t even have the decency to yell “ADOPTED? NOOOO!”

MOIRA: You say this to everyone Sombra.

MOIRA: You told Reaper he was actually Italian and his father worked at a pizzeria.

SOMBRA: yessa his name wassa luigi made da bonelessa pizza

REAPER: **What kind of pizza has fucking bones in it?**

SOMBRA: well actually i knew a guy

SOMBRA: his name was carlos and he was from the bronx

REAPER: **Well actually I don’t care.**

SOMBRA: anyway one day he was walking down the street and this car salesman comes up to him

MCCREE: so i don’t have to duel genji then?

SOMBRA: rude my story had a thrilling conclusion

HANZO: You do not, Jesse.

MCCREE: damnit i just ordered some foam swords

SOMBRA: ill take them

SOMBRA: new things to poke reaper with are always welcome

MCCREE: i want to poke dad though

REAPER: **No thanks.**

SOMBRA: that can be arranged jesse

MCCREE: looking forward to it

REAPER: **…**

SOMBRA: boop

SOMBRA: boop

SOMBRA: boop

REAPER: **STOP BOOPING MY FUCKING NOSE.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for 100 kudos. Sorry about the long wait- working on some other things that may or may not sit in draft form forever. More Reinhardt and Ana since those seem to be the favorites. Anyone else you want to see? Tell me.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading!


End file.
